To the girl whose boyfriend's friend suckerpunched me - m4w - 23
Reply to: email@example.com
Date: 2007-04-01, 2:41AM CDT
You were sitting in a booth at the CC Club on Saturday night, around 1:15. You were very drunk, and you absent-mindedly kicked your shoe off into the middle of the bar floor. You went to pick it up, looked at me, and I said, "Don't worry, these things happen," and went back to minding my own business.
Then I saw a dude with a shaved head making a beeline for me. I only "saw" him for a split second before he socked me in the jaw, knocking me to the floor (and, more importantly, causing me to lose the drink I'd waited about 20 minutes at the bar for). I got up, pretty thoroughly confused, and then some other guy strutted up to me, said something to the effect of "DON'T FUCKING LOOK AT MY GIRLFRIEND," and then grabbed you by the hand. The three of you then made a quick exit.
To recap. You were drunk and making a scene. Your boyfriend somehow thought I was hitting on you. His friend suckerpunched me. Then you all ran away.
Okay. First of all, I'd like you to know that I'm fine, thanks. Your boyfriend's buddy hit me pretty hard, but not in a particularly sensitive part of my jaw. I've never been hit in the jaw before, so maybe I'm overestimating how much of an effect it's supposed to have, but, like, I've hurt myself worse slipping on the stairs.
More importantly, I'd like you to read this and then pass the message along to your boyfriend and his pal so the three of you can think about this: your dude's henchman, the guy that your boyfriend sent up AS HIS DESIGNATED PUNCHER, that guy hits like a little bitch. I'm, like, 5'8", softer than a marshmallow Peep, and was totally unsuspecting, and I was fine about four seconds after he hit me. Plus, you all ran away immediately thereafter. Were you seriously afraid that I was going to do ANYTHING in response? Did any of you get a good look at me? I haven't been in a fight since the third grade. If I'd had the opportunity, I probably would have started by apologizing in case he had accidentally hit me while tried to suckerpunch someone else. That's how unimposing I am, or should be to people with even rudimentary powers of perception.
Also, I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but anyone who wears a fedora and a metal t-shirt to the CC Club undoubtedly has a microscopic penis. Has he EVER gone down on you? Puking in your lap doesn't count.
But, anyway, I digress. My main point here is this: I want the three of you to understand that you are all going to (continue to) lead incredibly small, insignificant lives. I don't mean that in the sense that you'll never make it as a fashion model and the boys' aggro-metal band will never finish its record. (And nobody likes Pantera anymore, by the way.)
No, it's far worse. The three of you are forever condemned to struggle against the feeling that you JUST...DON'T...MATTER. Any or all of you could fall down a manhole tomorrow, and the fabric of the universe would remain intact. You won't be remembered when you're gone. You won't make a mark. The best you can hope for is that, when either Tinydick McFedora or one of the fifty million guys exactly like him finally slips one past your goalie, the resulting offspring manages to break free of its genetic limitations and, I don't know, win the Powerball or something.
You're going to get lost in a sea of people. Maybe you'll have small joys, like when you get a job at a nearby Culver's, or maybe you'll have small sadnesses, like when you get fired from Culver's for smoking in the break room. But at the end of the day, you will remain fundamentally unimportant, undistinguished. Alone. And whether or not there's anything you can do to alter that fate, you're not nearly up to the task of figuring it out.
On the plus side, I did meet a few really cool people who asked if I was okay (I was, so, on balance, it was a win for me). One of them is a therapist who works with developmentally disabled folks. She was a) prettier than you, b) smarter than you, and (and this is the big one) c) making a real difference in the world. She accomplishes more in one day at the office than you will in the course of your entire meaningless existence, and that goes double for your greasy boyfriend and his skinhead friend. You'd be lucky to meet someone like that in your life, but it will probably only happen if some judge someday appoints someone like her to your case.
So, random stranger, thanks for coming out tonight. I hope you didn't get date raped.